Friday, May 2, 2008

Mango salsa, steps one through four optional. Step ten NOT encouraged.

Mangos are on sale two for three dollars right now. The temperature is also heating up outside. This combo can only mean one thing - salsa time! Much like potatoes are a staple in Ireland or the baguette is a staple in France, tortilla chips and salsa are a staple in South Texas, and my coworker Matt has a recipe that takes advantage of the mangoes, the heat, and our shared penchant for salsa.

The recipe involved most than just an ingredient list and instructions, it actually involves discussion of some Food Network chefs, and it is slightly biased. He shared his mango salsa recipe with me after a particularly nefarious debate about the merits of Bobby Flay as a chef. I like Bobby Flay, Matt hates Bobby Flay, hence the Bobby references in the recipe. Feel free to ignore them, but I felt compelled to leave Matt's notes in the recipe so as not to alter his artistic expression in the form of a homemade recipe.

I whipped up the salsa twice last week, the first time exactly as Matt suggested, and the second time with my own modifications. I liked my modified version best. I subbed fine diced red onion in place of the green onion. I also added an extra jalepeno, and I minced the garlic rather than slicing the garlic, mostly because i don't like touching garlic with my hands. The end result in both cases is delicious, and keeps well covered in the fridge for several days. Serve with lots of salty, fresh chips.

** NOTE ***
Steps one through four are entirely optional, and step ten is certainly not encouraged. Also, this recipe may not be suitable for children.


3-4 ripe mangoes
2 jalepenos (or one habanero, or 3 serranos)
3 cloves garlic
3 green onions
¼ cup lime juice
2 tbs olive oil (in this case “Spanish”)


1. Punch Bobby Flay in the face, then kick him in the pants.
2. Feel good about yourself for doing that.
3. Watch an episode of “No Reservations” and realize how much you love Anthony Bourdain’s punk rock attitude towards cheffetry.
4. Smoke a bowl of “killa-dilla hydro” and think about your own worldview, entropy, and how to solve America’s dependence on War and Fossil Fuels.
5. Peel and chop mangos into pieces as small as possible, add to large bowl.
6. Chop peppers into wee squares (habaneros get the gloves and extra-wee treatment).
7. Slice round pieces of green onions, saving the green, stemmy hollow pieces for something else.
8. The garlic is optional, but must be fresh and sliced as thin as possible.
9. Add lime juice and oil, toss that shit!
10. Smoke another bowl and tie Bobby Flay up, making sure to duct tape his mouth. Toss him in the trunk of your car…drive to the nearest train tracks, well, you can probably figure the rest out!

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